Happy Spooky Season Brainiacs,
We’ve missed you.
Cuffing season has crept upon us again, and I am still in fact single.
*holds for applause*
It’s been nearly a year since the last installment of Diary of A Celibate (Not So Teenage) Drama Queen, and I have clawed my way through some very interesting and traumatic experiences. I apologize if you can sense the bitterness seeping through the screen but I’m still healing from one of these experiences as we speak.
I figure we should revisit one of the romantic highlights of this last year.
Grab your popcorn. In the immortal words of Kevin Hart, “Laugh at my pain”.
Romantic Interest #1: The Swiping S*****r
(I decided to sensor it because sometimes he reads my blog. Lmao. Hey boo.)
If you are an avid Twitter user, then you know that there are a plethora of memes and jokes about the perils of dating *some* of those in the armed forces. Before any Americans get their Uncle Sam undies in a bunch, I am grateful and thankful to the members of the armed forces (especially the immigrants) who continue to put their lives on the line for civilians like myself.
With that out of the way, I started talking to a soldier who was on active duty on the other side of the world via a dating app. Usually, for any normal person, this would have been an automatic “NO”, but I really don’t thrive on physical touch (or so I thought) so I was living life with this arrangement. He messaged me and actually spoke to me like a human being, with grace and respect. Being that the bar was on the floor, I was immediately intrigued. We had some things in common, and on paper, he seemed to be my type, at least mostly.
I have this thing where I overlook things I don’t really like about people because I want them to overlook things I don’t really like about myself. However, the things I want people to overlook about me are things like my anxiety and my looks, and I overlook the fact that people are neglectful to me and/or are not attractive to me in any way shape or form.
A bad habit that I am seeking to break, I promise because I am no Naomi Campbell but I really am not bad looking at all lol. A sentiment I have come to accept over the last year, with some help from a romantic interest that will have their own dedicated post when I can think about them and not have sad flashbacks of our two second relationship.
Anyways, let’s get back on topic.
This guy had great conversation and was super accomplished, ambitious, and attentive. He was even accepting of my celibacy (mostly) and I thought to myself:
“Wow, girl, not you attracting someone other than 42 year old men, who want to make you their third baby mama.”
I was content with our little routine of getting to know each other, when I realized that eventually, he would be coming home from his assignment and returning to Florida. I was immediately filled with fear and the butterflies in my stomach morphed into Jurassic Park pterodactyls. He made his intentions clear. One of the first things he wanted to do when stateside was kiss me and that thought alone had me sweating bullets. I imagined what kissing him would be like and I swear I could hear the Friday the 13th Jason music ringing in my ears.
I came to the harsh realization that I did not like this man but he was deeply enthralled with me…. DEEPLY. I felt like such a buttwipe. I never and I mean NEVER intend to play with people’s feelings and allow them to fall for me if I have no intention of following through. It’s a scenario I’ve been through a few times and I see the metaphorical scars on my psyche everyday. I knew that I had to call it off before he made it over to the states. It took 3 separate “Akayla get it TF together” bestie conferences before I had the gall to tell him how I really felt. And it went… BAD. He asked me if I was breaking up with him and I really didn’t give him a fair answer but I did answer affirmatively.
In hindsight, I really didn’t want to come out and just lay my full truth on the table, which was that I didn’t like him enough nor was I attracted to him in any way and any version of the future where I stayed with him I would feel like I was settling. I have burned bridges and completely called off relationships (even ones that could be fixed) out of the fear of settling. I’ve personally seen what that can do to women and I want absolutely no parts.
I can admit that some of the bridges that I burned have haunted me and caused me to lay up in the dead of night like an early 2000’s screen queen and ponder what we could have been.
I’m approaching my 25th year of life and above all I want to live life authentically. This has been extremely hard for me to reflect within my romantic life. I consistently choose the easy way out, full of false bravado and pride but sometimes deep inside, I wanna be the guy outside with the boombox in the rain, begging for a second chance.
But who’s gonna tell the people I date that? NOT ME.
I am still a work in progress lmao.
I hope you guys enjoyed this little venture into my past dating life. I think that I’ll write about all my past romantic experiences. For the few of my past flings who read my blog, I love you (unless I hate you), and there’s no hard feelings (unless you deserve it).
Until next time guys,
Xoxo,
Akayla.
