What’s up baddies!
It is I - your relatively relatable 20 something with rampant mental illness. Lol well, let me slow down because my therapist would not want me to say that. I am actively managing my mental illness and for the most part, I am doing a good job of taking care of myself.
But I am still kinda miserable. I wish I could say that I don’t know why and feign ignorance but I know exactly what’s happening.
For some context, objectively, my life isn’t that bad or bad at all. There are things I wanna change and people I wish I could send directly to hell but all in all I am thankful to be where I am and not where I used to be.
I have a job I really like. I’m managing my mental illnesses really well (now). I am eating relatively healthy and I am managing my money MUCH better. I am exploring my relationship with God and carving out my path to connect with Him/Them better.
Usually I see an issue in my life and I aggressively attack it because I cannot deal with “unsolved problems”. But my reaction to “unsolved problems” is a big problem. A big sexy catch 22!
I cannot stand being uncomfortable and I have no patience.
So those two lovely qualities bring me to my newest conundrum. Recently, I continuously find myself being challenged on an aspect of my life that I have already written about on the blog and continue to return back to.
My perspective on my physical looks or lack thereof. At an early age, I received the message that I was not one of the beautiful people and instead of really worrying about it, I accepted the message and poured my attention into increasing my intelligence and cultivating my warm personality.
I want to be clear that this is NOT a colorism or fatphobia issue. I can step outside of my own self and realize that my skin color or body type ain’t stopping me from achieving nothing in my world.
I do not consider myself beautiful or gorgeous and this is not one of those things where I want people to tell me I’m pretty. I do not actively believe anyone when they positively comment on my looks. In that regard, I think everyone has ulterior motives. Either to try to make me feel better or because they truly love me as a person and my existence as a whole causes me to be beautiful to them.
LOL. I realized in writing this that I do not believe anyone when they positively comment on my looks but negative comments still kinda hurt me. So if I don't believe the positive then why do I believe the negative.?
Ooh chile.
You can see my problem?
I have no solution to this problem and I am uncomfortable. I have attempted to force my own hand at addressing this issue by cutting off my hair. Kinda forcing myself to look at my face more. I am sure that this will work in the long term but I am impatient.
That beautiful catch 22 coming back up :-) internal screaming
Next year is my 25th birthday and if God allows me to see that birthday, then my 25th year will be my year of authenticity.
So here I am bearing myself to the internet because what’s more appropriate than that?
It’s more of an invitation. Check in with me as I become a more honest person.
Hope you can find some grace in your heart for me.
(and if not then lmao that's fair.)