Lost Girl #1
Happy May, Beautiful Readers!
I hope you guys have been safe and healthy for the first half of this year. Glad you’ve chosen to spend a little bit of time with me here again as I overshare on the internet.
Remember how I talked about dying many deaths?
I’m in the process of metaphorically dying right now.
I am almost 6 months into my 25th year on this floating rock of opportunity. I pledged to be authentic in my 25th year and I’ve reached a troubling and confusing conclusion.
I cannot be authentic if I have no idea who my authentic self is.
Now, don’t get me wrong. We have to get some key facts out on the table that have prompted me to this reflective state that I pensively float in. Every day I am wishing and hoping that something cinematic will happen to drag me out of the festering boredom of my day to day suffering but each day I am disappointed.
I am suffering from – well maybe it’s better if I say I am experiencing some nasty depressive episodes. I have little to no desire to do anything or be anything anymore.
Before you guys call the police to Baker Act me, I have a lovely therapist and I am begrudgingly working towards an appropriate management plan for me.
I have also just been broken up with. Lol, when it rains it pours – amirite?
With all this swelling up around me, you think I’d have renewed determination to emerge a glimmering diamond formed from the pressure of my personal life.
Sorry to disappoint. I am as cubic zirconia as it gets. Honestly, that's kind lol. Maybe things are looking up for me, I could have said I was a piece of coal. So – progress.
I’m not new to dating rejection but what I am new to is me rejecting myself. The few things that I liked about myself haven’t been exciting me or bringing me joy, they just poke at a numbness that is growing to consume me in totality.
I was just listening to “Girl Like Me” by Jazmine Sullivan ft. H.E.R. A CERTIFIED BOP BTW.
There’s a line that says “you’re gonna make a hoe outta me” in reference to the pain of rejection pushing an ordinarily “good girl” to pursue wholly selfish desire. I wonder what I want. What are my wholly selfish desires? I have none. Not saying I’m Jesus and selfishness has cha cha slid out my body.
But I am saying I’ve lived my life for the approval of others.
Constructing a good girl image that used to serve me, reassured me that I wasn’t bad and that I was worth something but I think it’s time that Akayla needs to die.
All that I said in my previous post about dying deaths wasn’t just poetic musings of a happy girl who had it all. It was the point of view of someone who was blessed enough to see the situation in its entirety with a birds eye view. The person I am now only can perceive 2 to 3 feet ahead of me at any given time.
So why am I telling you?
My first instinct was to say “to make sure people know they’re not alone” which is a very nice answer and true. But I write because I want to. I write because I like it. I think that’s the narrative I want to run with because if I am stuck living on earth, I’d like to do things my way for once.