“Oh, you a virgin virgin?”: Diary of A Celibate (Not So Teenage) Drama Queen
Welcome back Brainiacs.
Long time no see. Hopefully, your Thanksgiving Holiday was safe and COVID free. For some of you, we know it was not but hopefully it was worth it.
We are in the midst of cuffing season. The temperature drops and so do our dating standards around this time of year.
While one Brainiac is gearing up to try her hand at online dating again, the other has been in and out of the trenches for the last 2-4 months, trying her hand at Hinge dating.
And these are her stories: *Dun Dun*
Any woman who uses dating apps already knows that it is slim pickings on those apps to even begin with. Once you cast out all the men who are too young, too old, too nasty, and too mean, you’re left to compete for the last three or four viable choices that remain.
If you’re lucky enough to find someone who can live up to your bare minimum standards and whom you can stand the sight of, then comes the real test.
The talking stage. Often heralded as the worst stage, it doesn’t have to be. If you connect with a person where conversation flows easily, it can be an exciting and fun experience. However, if you’re someone like me whose made the criminal decision to remain celibate until marriage, the talking stage can only be so happy.
Usually, when the topic of sex comes up I blatantly tell the dude what’s up because I have learned that skirting around it or dodging it just leads to either:
You trapped underneath him in a situation you knew you weren’t ready for and didn’t want and desperately trying to find an excuse on why you have to leave when you just got there.
Or you wasting time catching feelings and building a relationship with them just to realize that the two of you have two different ideals on sexual intimacy
Both situations suck, so just be upfront and honest.
Don’t get me wrong though, I am not blaming the other partner for knowing what they want.
I am simply asserting that if you’re dating to find a long term partner, it’s foolish to start things off on deceit.
So if that means that Lance doesn’t want to continue a relationship with you because he doesn’t think he can sustain a relationship without sexual contact then you have to bite it and keep it pushing.
Do not settle for less than someone who can see your whole picture and wants to continue to gaze on it despite all the astigmatism that comes with it.
I am also not saying that celibacy isn’t hard all by itself.
You have to know why you made that personal decision and stick with it.
If you are a black girl (or any girl) who grew up in church, there are societal pressures on either side.
There is the pressure to remain pure and “undamaged” and there is the FOMO of watching your other friends experience sex and all that it has to offer. And sometimes, it does have a lot to offer.
Not that we would know but we’re just saying.
Sometimes, it can be an unbearable existence, hence why I won’t judge you either way. I know why I made the decision and I am free and willing to explain my reasoning but if you are trying to adhere to this lifestyle because “it’s what you’re supposed to do”, I can tell you that you’re setting yourself up for failure.
Know that you are not alone. I know plenty of women who abstain from sex and I know plenty of women who actively have sex. There are also women who are in-between.
All that we ask is that you respect your body and your wishes and know that it is your decision to make. If you don’t want to, then you really don’t have to. Forcing yourself to go against your often comfort is literally clown behavior.
As for me, I am hoping one day to meet someone who will respect my decision and think highly enough of me to take a chance on building an emotional connection with me.
I know that I may be waiting a while but it’s what I committed to.
It’s not a pretty or funny ending but it’s the one I’m most comfortable with.
Respect your temple and honor your body.
